Submissions are currently closed

What genre is this piece? 

• Poetry (1 pt) 

• Scifi with smooth twizzlers (0.2 pt) 

• Showtunes (2 pt, unless you’re annoying about it in which case, 0.5) 

• A short story about radishes (2 pt) 

• Nonfiction (1 pt) 

• Nonfiction about my dying father’s mashed potatoes (2 pt) 

• What are you, a cop? (10 pt)

 

Is this piece in a serif font? 

• Yes (100 pt)

• No but I have a really good reason for it, I swear (1 pt)

• No I hope you die (0 pt)

 

Is your piece over fifteen pages? 

• No I’m not insane and don’t want to subject you to that (going to kiss you on the mouth) (50 pt)

• Yes but they’re super super super short I swear (don’t believe you) (2 pt) 

• Yes I hope you die (0 pt)

 

Did you include your bio? 

• Yes I’m responsible and functional and care about your well being (I’m in love with you) (100 pt) 

• Yes it’s very fancy and very long (we’re flattered but please pick your favorites, we don’t have all day) (1 pt) 

• No but I will now (0.5 pt)

• No I hope you die (0 pt) 

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Did you include a cover letter? 

• Yes (wow look at you with your business format and business shoes, are you wearing a bowtie right now? don’t lie) (1 pt)  

• No I’m very tired (we are too, it’s okay) (1 pt)

• Maybe (hehehe a little mystery we like it) (1 pt)

• No I hope you die (but for non-cover-letter-related reasons) (0 pt)

 

Is this a simultaneous submission?

• Yes, I will withdraw this if it is accepted elsewhere (congrats, you will be missed) (5 pts)

• No I’m sad and lonely (0.5 pts)

• No I only care about you <3 (5 pts)

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Has this work been previously published? 

• No, I keep all my best work for you, my love (5 pts)

• No I’m still very sad and very lonely (0.5 pts)

• Yes but I’m going to give credit to the place it was originally published in (5 pts)

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Is your submission attached to the email in a word doc or pdf? 

• No because I’m fun and experimental (can a reasonable person open it on a reasonable computer? please tell me a reasonable person can open it on a reasonable computer, please) (0.5 pt) 

• No because I’m submitting visual art or music and I gave it a reasonable and normal file format (2 pt) 

• No I hope you die (0 pt)

• Yes obviously what is wrong with you (2 pt)

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Does your submission include bigoted bullshit? 

• No, I'm normal and not an asshole (1 pt) 

• No but I am weird about people of color, trans people, queer people and others who are marginalized (don't submit.) 

• Yes and I'm going to die after leaving this page (Do. Not. Submit.) 

 

If we fed your submission to a motorized Furby, would we invite the resulting creature to our wedding?

• No it wouldn’t want to go anyway (we didn’t want it there either) (0.5 pt)

• No but I’ll go do that and find out (1 pt)

• Yes and it still doesn’t want to go to your wedding (fuck you too) (0 pt) 

• Yes it’ll host the bachelorette party (5 pt)

 

Could your piece be sung to the tune of “On My Own” from Les Mis The Musical

• No I hope you die (0 pt) 

• No but it is part of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s next musical (5 pt) 

• Obviously, there are also several toothbrushes and sewer rats involved, I gave them character shoes (12 pt)

 

If you scored 102.5 points or higher, you’re perfect and amazing and we’re in love with you and your submission and we’ll cry if you don’t submit. 

If you scored less, you’re probably fine, submit anyway, a war will ensue either way (check that you have your bio and a reasonable font) 

If you answered I hope you die to three or more of these questions, you get a million points. Do it, submit, murder us, we dare you.